Saturday, December 5, 2009
I felt it all closing in bit by bit, watching it all die in my hands. I still feel every piece of you. Is anything the same? Watching me here, knowing it follows your path so closely. I stayed at bay for as long as the time could stand, waiting for the bombs to fall, hoping you didn't forget it all. I see you when I look in the mirror, behind the closed doors. I still smell you in the air. I try not to let it bother my open wounds, knowing you never truly left me to fend for myself. That you still watch me face the cold. I can't find the peace of mind you longed for and in my dreams I still can't hear what you're saying. But I know that you've warned me so many times before. My heart aches for every moment I had with you, the good and the bad, at least that was real. You knew the gift before I had the chance to explain, and helped me embrace what made me stand out. Now that same gift is killing me inside. Knowing all along what can happen. It's getting darker in the room, always the bad sign, the candle still flickers, waiting for it to burn out. If I had just done the right thing, when the timing lined up, you wouldn't be gone. I wouldn't be sitting here, regretting every word I ever said to you. Or maybe that's what was meant to happen. I still feel like I was the one who deserved to die, after all the shit I put you and him through. The lies growing up, waiting, hating, fighting. It should have never ended this way.